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Ability Crisis

The intersection. Which direction to take?

I left my office with a bad feeling last night. It began when I was just about to finish managing this blog for that day. I decided that I would make some subscriptions to some other blogs, most of them belonged to my friends and the remaining two were Bryanboy.com and Diana Rikasari’s blog, Hot Chocolate & Mint. That’s when it hit me and the bad feeling started to build up on me.

Try to check out Hot Chocolate & Mint, if you haven’t, and you’ll understand why that blog is #1 in the country according to Indonesia Matters and receives more than 2,000 visits per day. The blog is very fun to look at, the photos are great, the clothes look cute, and Diana always looks like she’s having fun and she sort of infects that on you through the screen. Hot Chocolate & Mint is both hot and cool.

Then I look at this blog of mine, and I think you’ll shout “amen!” when I say that my blog looks like a damn collection of philosophical essays. My writings are often lengthy and not made more beautiful with visuals, which are potentially boring. To be fair, I have been absent from my blog for more than two years and Diana has always been active on hers. Moreover, lengthy argumentative writing is my style. Not that I cannot make short posts loaded with photos like Diana does, but when I have thoughts on something, I’d like to vomit all of them out. Given this difference of style, why the jealousy, then?

I just got really interested in blogging again and now I care about my blog way more than I did before. And when I care about something, I could get frustrated when I know that what I have or what I have done hasn’t been the best of its kind. Add my own impatience to this mix and you’ll understand why I felt like I needed to rush myself to Diana’s level. But it’s not about being #1 in the country, or receiving 2,000 visits per day, or being a professional blogger like Diana is. Well, not at first. But it’s about being able to put all I’ve got into my blog (and everything that I work on) and make the best out of it.

I got frustrated that I haven’t been able to do that. I got frustrated knowing that I have so much creativity to offer yet still unable to manifest that in a tangible work that is my blog. It frustrates me even further not knowing how to get started. It seems like there is a lot to do, so many skills (like design and photography) to master, and so much catching-up needed to be done. It seems that my frustration and panic have culminated in creative paralysis.

When it comes to battle between bloggers, we can unanimously say that I’m still the loser, but in general I’m not always one. Many people have praised me for my command of English, and my eloquence, and my writing skills (if you happen to disagree, maybe it’s because you’ve seen someone better. I didn’t say I was perfect, darling!) and I really appreciate that. How I feel right now is like Christina Aguilera: I and the people know that I’m a good singer/performer and they praise my mastery of the techniques but I just never really had a hit and establish myself as the best in anything. And then Lady Gaga comes along with her average vocal ability, complemented with some piano and song-writing skills, helped by fantastic styling and image-making, and suddenly she’s the biggest Pop star in the world that makes me sound like an old news.

Like Aguilera, I feel like I haven’t found what I’m really good at and try to stick with it. I feel like I still want to venture into different territories and try to cultivate different skills (which is a good thing) before I can establish myself as the brightest star of a certain constellation, if you know how to decipher that metaphor. What feels bad for me, about all of these, is knowing that I’m about to turn 25 and I have just begun trying to discover my path and decide which direction to take, something that I should’ve done years before.

But maybe I’m just being too impatient and not enjoying the journey. Diana, Bryan Boy, Perez Hilton, none of them became super-blogger overnight, right? They, too, have worked so hard for what they earned today. So I just need to accept the fact that I have dues to pay. But, still, I’m about to turn 25 this November. I’ll be damned!

– Taws Up! –